1. I enjoy watching crime documentaries. Anything related to murders, serial killers really fascinates me.
2. I'm not a girly kind of girl, something that people who don't know me think I am.
3. I once went on a 40 hour fast to help raise awareness for starving kids in third world countries.
4. I get emotional when I watch sad movies.
5. I'm terrified of needles but yet I've got 2 tattoos and 4 piercings.
6. I'm 25 and still find swallowing tablets frightening. Don't think I'll ever get comfortable taking tablets.
7. I used to get nosebleeds very frequently when I was younger. It was so bad that every time I rubbed my nose, it would cause my nose to bleed as I had a weak vessel that tore very easily. I eventually had to burn it off so the bleeding would stop.
8.I hate dairy, except eggs. But literally everything dairy, I don't like.
9. I've never owned a game console in my life ever.
10. I've never broken a bone or sprained a limb.
January 16, 2018
January 15, 2018
DAY 2 - Top 4 pet peeves
1. Slow walkers
Bagging the 1st place is hands down, slow walkers. There's just something about people taking their own sweet time while walking that really irks me. I can understand if the person is an elderly or is injured, that's fine. But when people are young and are physically fit stroll down a busy street while everyone else is trying to zig-zag their way around them, that's not okay. NOT OKAY. It boggles me why they can't walk at a normal pace like majority of the population. You're neither a snail nor a sloth, move faster! I would say I'm a pretty fast walker, not because I'm constantly rushing from place to place but I just am. Probably a habit I picked up as I had to always keep up with my dad. While slow walkers annoy me, oblivious slow walkers really get on my nerves. These people have absolutely zero awareness of their surroundings. It's as if they're the only ones existing and they give zero fucks about everything else. These people generally like to hog the street by not only walking slowly but also walking in the middle of the street. LIKE REALLY?! So I have only one advice for slow walkers: Walk faster or move aside, don't bloody walk in the centre while everyone else has to go around you.
2. Bad drivers
This brings me to 2nd place, bad drivers. I'm an Asian woman who drives, so as the stereotype goes, I'm clearly not the best driver, but I'm pretty confident I'm not the worst either. I strongly believe that there are some people who shouldn't be allowed to drive because they're so terrible. As you already know, slow walkers annoy me and so do road hoggers. These people clearly do not understand that the outer most right lane is for cars who want to go fast. You've got cars going at 110km/hour and then there'll always be one car that's driving at 70km/hour in the right lane! I mean, change lanes if you're not going fast. I'm not being stereotypical but from experience these drivers who road hog tend to be Asian women. They give us Asian drivers a bad rep. Not cool.
3. Yakkers
Yakkers are annoying. I don't know how else to describe them. My low tolerance for yakkers could be due to my introverted personality as I enjoy silence once in a while. On the other hand, yakkers, just can't shut up. They'll talk about anything and everything under the sun and they don't really care if people are listening or not. Seems to me like they can't keep their mouth closed. They need to be heard 24/7. There's always a time and place to talk and sometimes it's perfectly normal for people to sit in silence. I do wonder if yakkers are afraid of the silence, which would explain why they compensate it with so much unnecessary gabble. Being an introvert, I try my best to avoid social interaction, especially with unfamiliar faces. Social interaction is just exhausting, and so I particularly loathe having to fake a smile and occasionally nod to pretend like I'm listening to someone's yap because that's the polite thing to do. But God, I hate it. So for all the yakkers out there, talk when necessary if not just be quiet. Silence is golden, embrace it.
4. Overly happy people
I couldn't think of an appropriate heading for my 4th pet peeve; this was the best I could think of. I don't want to seem sour or pessimistic or cynical (although I am, a little) but some people are just way too happy. I'm not talking about being contented with life or accepting and loving oneself. That's amazing. I'm referring to those who just seem to be overly positive about everything like they've got nothing negative to say about anything. It's to a point where from my point of view seems fake. We are all humans and we've all got good and bad days, so no one can always be happy. It's just not possible. These overly positive people make me cringe because the world is not perfect. It's not made of fairy dust and rainbows and unicorns. In today's world, I feel like showing emotion, especially negative ones, makes you human, makes you real. I think it's okay to feel that things aren't going to be okay because that's how the real world is. But thinking that everything is amazing and perfect like there are no problems in the world is just plain delusional. That's neither positivity nor optimism, that's being gullible. The key is accepting that things aren't going to be perfect but yet stay positive and overcome the obstacle, and not believe that everything will go to plan all the time.
Bagging the 1st place is hands down, slow walkers. There's just something about people taking their own sweet time while walking that really irks me. I can understand if the person is an elderly or is injured, that's fine. But when people are young and are physically fit stroll down a busy street while everyone else is trying to zig-zag their way around them, that's not okay. NOT OKAY. It boggles me why they can't walk at a normal pace like majority of the population. You're neither a snail nor a sloth, move faster! I would say I'm a pretty fast walker, not because I'm constantly rushing from place to place but I just am. Probably a habit I picked up as I had to always keep up with my dad. While slow walkers annoy me, oblivious slow walkers really get on my nerves. These people have absolutely zero awareness of their surroundings. It's as if they're the only ones existing and they give zero fucks about everything else. These people generally like to hog the street by not only walking slowly but also walking in the middle of the street. LIKE REALLY?! So I have only one advice for slow walkers: Walk faster or move aside, don't bloody walk in the centre while everyone else has to go around you.
2. Bad drivers
This brings me to 2nd place, bad drivers. I'm an Asian woman who drives, so as the stereotype goes, I'm clearly not the best driver, but I'm pretty confident I'm not the worst either. I strongly believe that there are some people who shouldn't be allowed to drive because they're so terrible. As you already know, slow walkers annoy me and so do road hoggers. These people clearly do not understand that the outer most right lane is for cars who want to go fast. You've got cars going at 110km/hour and then there'll always be one car that's driving at 70km/hour in the right lane! I mean, change lanes if you're not going fast. I'm not being stereotypical but from experience these drivers who road hog tend to be Asian women. They give us Asian drivers a bad rep. Not cool.
3. Yakkers
Yakkers are annoying. I don't know how else to describe them. My low tolerance for yakkers could be due to my introverted personality as I enjoy silence once in a while. On the other hand, yakkers, just can't shut up. They'll talk about anything and everything under the sun and they don't really care if people are listening or not. Seems to me like they can't keep their mouth closed. They need to be heard 24/7. There's always a time and place to talk and sometimes it's perfectly normal for people to sit in silence. I do wonder if yakkers are afraid of the silence, which would explain why they compensate it with so much unnecessary gabble. Being an introvert, I try my best to avoid social interaction, especially with unfamiliar faces. Social interaction is just exhausting, and so I particularly loathe having to fake a smile and occasionally nod to pretend like I'm listening to someone's yap because that's the polite thing to do. But God, I hate it. So for all the yakkers out there, talk when necessary if not just be quiet. Silence is golden, embrace it.
4. Overly happy people
I couldn't think of an appropriate heading for my 4th pet peeve; this was the best I could think of. I don't want to seem sour or pessimistic or cynical (although I am, a little) but some people are just way too happy. I'm not talking about being contented with life or accepting and loving oneself. That's amazing. I'm referring to those who just seem to be overly positive about everything like they've got nothing negative to say about anything. It's to a point where from my point of view seems fake. We are all humans and we've all got good and bad days, so no one can always be happy. It's just not possible. These overly positive people make me cringe because the world is not perfect. It's not made of fairy dust and rainbows and unicorns. In today's world, I feel like showing emotion, especially negative ones, makes you human, makes you real. I think it's okay to feel that things aren't going to be okay because that's how the real world is. But thinking that everything is amazing and perfect like there are no problems in the world is just plain delusional. That's neither positivity nor optimism, that's being gullible. The key is accepting that things aren't going to be perfect but yet stay positive and overcome the obstacle, and not believe that everything will go to plan all the time.
January 14, 2018
DAY 1 - Earliest Memory
It's hard to say what my earliest memory is, as everything before the age of 7 is kinda fuzzy. All I can recall are fragments of events which aren't exactly cohesive. I do have a rather vivid memory from when I was a child (5 or 6) that has always stuck with me.
It was a typical evening on the weekend when my cousins would all gather at mines to play as we didn't really have anything better to do at that age. My dad had brought us and the dog for a walk around the neighbourhood, and kids being kids, we were playing catch and were all sticky and sweaty. I grew up in Singapore so you can imagine the level of humidity. As we were all sweaty and hot, my dad, brother and male cousins started to remove their tops, and I decided to do the same. At this point, my dad saw what I was about to do and immediately stopped me. He said, "You can't take off your t-shirt!" I remember being slightly confused about this double standard as everyone else seemed to be doing so. I asked him why my brother and cousins could, but not me. He simply replied, "Because you're a girl. Girls can't take their tops off in public." Being a 5/6-year-old, I was still perplexed by that response as it did not really answer my question. I didn't understand how my gender or sex rather, made me any different. Being a curious child, I wasn't satisfied with the weak response, so I asked again. "Why? Why can't I take my top off like everyone else?", this time slightly more annoyed, as all I wanted to do was to cool down. My dad gave me the same response and was very firm this time. From that point on, I just accepted what I was told and never questioned again. Of course, as I grew older I learnt that girls needed to be modest and blah blah blah.
Up till today, this has just stuck with me and will always be a vivid childhood memory of mine. I think that was the first time that I realised the difference in standards between men and women. It's interesting how there are completely different standards for men and women. Both can do the same thing and yet get judged differently. It was something I had to learn and accept along the way. Needless to say, there were plenty more of such gender-related things that I had to follow in order to be lady-like but that I'll leave for a different post. But yeah, my earliest memory was just the beginning of the countless lessons on how to behave like a woman.
It was a typical evening on the weekend when my cousins would all gather at mines to play as we didn't really have anything better to do at that age. My dad had brought us and the dog for a walk around the neighbourhood, and kids being kids, we were playing catch and were all sticky and sweaty. I grew up in Singapore so you can imagine the level of humidity. As we were all sweaty and hot, my dad, brother and male cousins started to remove their tops, and I decided to do the same. At this point, my dad saw what I was about to do and immediately stopped me. He said, "You can't take off your t-shirt!" I remember being slightly confused about this double standard as everyone else seemed to be doing so. I asked him why my brother and cousins could, but not me. He simply replied, "Because you're a girl. Girls can't take their tops off in public." Being a 5/6-year-old, I was still perplexed by that response as it did not really answer my question. I didn't understand how my gender or sex rather, made me any different. Being a curious child, I wasn't satisfied with the weak response, so I asked again. "Why? Why can't I take my top off like everyone else?", this time slightly more annoyed, as all I wanted to do was to cool down. My dad gave me the same response and was very firm this time. From that point on, I just accepted what I was told and never questioned again. Of course, as I grew older I learnt that girls needed to be modest and blah blah blah.
Up till today, this has just stuck with me and will always be a vivid childhood memory of mine. I think that was the first time that I realised the difference in standards between men and women. It's interesting how there are completely different standards for men and women. Both can do the same thing and yet get judged differently. It was something I had to learn and accept along the way. Needless to say, there were plenty more of such gender-related things that I had to follow in order to be lady-like but that I'll leave for a different post. But yeah, my earliest memory was just the beginning of the countless lessons on how to behave like a woman.
July 3, 2017
Loving someone with anxiety is...
Loving someone with anxiety is more difficult than it seems. Never knowing what will trigger his anxiety makes it so much harder to help him. I understand that anxiety is not easy to comprehend. Half of the time, he himself doesn’t even know what causes it, so how is he supposed to verbalise it so that I can better understand what he’s going through. It’s okay if he can’t verbalise it and maybe sometimes just quietly being there beside him is all he really needs. It pains me to look at him and see such sadness in his eyes although he tries hard to be happy around me; to know that he’s curled up in bed with tears running down his face and he still can’t seem to rid the demons in his head. I feel his pain even if he doesn’t speak about it but yet I can’t do anything to make him feel better. I’m there physically but I feel helpless and useless and I hate myself for not being able to provide better support or comfort.
Loving someone with anxiety is more than just the person suffering from it. It affects every one that cares and loves them. There are numerous factors that might catalyse one’s anxiety and it’s important to not take things personally. When the anxiety strikes, it usually means that whatever plans we both had previously are no longer happening. I’m not given a preempt and I’ve been looking forward to it the entire week and it gets called off. My first initial thought is to be annoyed and tell him to stop being such a flake but then he tells me that he’s in one of those moods and my heart softens a little. I know my disappointment is nothing compared to his anxiety. When this happens he might or might not want me around. I’m more than happy to sit quietly and hold him just to let him know that I’m there for him, but there are days when he wants his alone time. Moments like this means he goes quiet, not even a text to let me know how he is and I can’t help but feel that he’s pushing me away and it hurts. It hurts more than anything else. How can I sit on my own knowing that he’s having to face it all on his own? It’s time like this that I try to put myself in his shoes and try not to take it personally. However, I must admit that there are days when I think that maybe I’m the cause for it all and that he’d be better off without me. He constantly assures me that it’s not me but some days I think that he’s blinded and doesn’t want to face the truth cause I’m all that he’s got now so he clings on to his only glimpse of ‘hope’.
Loving someone with anxiety is not easy but I stick around and do it anyway because he means the world to me. Abandoning him when he’s at his lowest is a cruel thing to do, impossible for me to do. I’ve always believed that people cross paths and enters each other’s life for a reason. Whether they stay forever or just temporarily, they’re there for a reason. Some for better and some for worse, but they help us grow and become better people. I believe that our paths were meant to cross and I was put in his life for a reason. And that could be to support and help him through this rough patch. Whether I’m here temporarily or forever, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is this moment. All that matters is me being there for him when he needs me because I love him.
Loving someone with anxiety is more than just the person suffering from it. It affects every one that cares and loves them. There are numerous factors that might catalyse one’s anxiety and it’s important to not take things personally. When the anxiety strikes, it usually means that whatever plans we both had previously are no longer happening. I’m not given a preempt and I’ve been looking forward to it the entire week and it gets called off. My first initial thought is to be annoyed and tell him to stop being such a flake but then he tells me that he’s in one of those moods and my heart softens a little. I know my disappointment is nothing compared to his anxiety. When this happens he might or might not want me around. I’m more than happy to sit quietly and hold him just to let him know that I’m there for him, but there are days when he wants his alone time. Moments like this means he goes quiet, not even a text to let me know how he is and I can’t help but feel that he’s pushing me away and it hurts. It hurts more than anything else. How can I sit on my own knowing that he’s having to face it all on his own? It’s time like this that I try to put myself in his shoes and try not to take it personally. However, I must admit that there are days when I think that maybe I’m the cause for it all and that he’d be better off without me. He constantly assures me that it’s not me but some days I think that he’s blinded and doesn’t want to face the truth cause I’m all that he’s got now so he clings on to his only glimpse of ‘hope’.
Loving someone with anxiety is not easy but I stick around and do it anyway because he means the world to me. Abandoning him when he’s at his lowest is a cruel thing to do, impossible for me to do. I’ve always believed that people cross paths and enters each other’s life for a reason. Whether they stay forever or just temporarily, they’re there for a reason. Some for better and some for worse, but they help us grow and become better people. I believe that our paths were meant to cross and I was put in his life for a reason. And that could be to support and help him through this rough patch. Whether I’m here temporarily or forever, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is this moment. All that matters is me being there for him when he needs me because I love him.
April 2, 2017
Love or hate?
I'm given 2 choices, to love or to hate. I've chosen to love and be kind, partly because of my weak nature. Saying 'No' to others is difficult, which is why more often then so, I see myself doing things I don't really want to. I feel obliged to say 'yes' when people ask me for favours, even though I know i shouldn't. Saying 'no' without a legitimate reason makes me feel like a terrible person.
Everyone around me has been telling me to keep my distance from someone who doesn't deserve my company, but I've turned a deaf ear. I know in my heart the right thing to do but I can't do it. Maybe I should've been cold and just made it clear that he doesn't deserve my company. Maybe I should've just been an absolute bitch just so he knows I'm not a pushover. That's probably the 'correct' thing to do, to punish him. However, I chose to do otherwise. I chose to still be friends and hangout like we used to. The thought of him being upset just makes it so much harder to say no. I probably shouldn't be considering his feelings but I do, and that makes it so bloody difficult. I suppress my feelings and tell myself that it's no longer there but yet when we're together I feel myself having to resist the urge to want to sit a bit closer, hold his hand or hug him. The daily 'good morning' texts are not making it any easier for me to let go. I can't bear to not respond because I think it's rude. But I wonder if being kind at the expense of my emotions is worth it or plain stupid. He might just be using me till he find new friends and just stringing me on to boost his ego or maybe he genuinely cares for me as a friend. Anything is possible, I don't know what his deal is. Either way, I chose to forgive, I chose to be kind and that may be the dumbest thing to do but it doesn't matter. It's not worth hating just because I can. I believe that's karma's job to do. That being said, I wish I didn't care so much about how others felt and cared a little more about myself. I deserve better.
Everyone around me has been telling me to keep my distance from someone who doesn't deserve my company, but I've turned a deaf ear. I know in my heart the right thing to do but I can't do it. Maybe I should've been cold and just made it clear that he doesn't deserve my company. Maybe I should've just been an absolute bitch just so he knows I'm not a pushover. That's probably the 'correct' thing to do, to punish him. However, I chose to do otherwise. I chose to still be friends and hangout like we used to. The thought of him being upset just makes it so much harder to say no. I probably shouldn't be considering his feelings but I do, and that makes it so bloody difficult. I suppress my feelings and tell myself that it's no longer there but yet when we're together I feel myself having to resist the urge to want to sit a bit closer, hold his hand or hug him. The daily 'good morning' texts are not making it any easier for me to let go. I can't bear to not respond because I think it's rude. But I wonder if being kind at the expense of my emotions is worth it or plain stupid. He might just be using me till he find new friends and just stringing me on to boost his ego or maybe he genuinely cares for me as a friend. Anything is possible, I don't know what his deal is. Either way, I chose to forgive, I chose to be kind and that may be the dumbest thing to do but it doesn't matter. It's not worth hating just because I can. I believe that's karma's job to do. That being said, I wish I didn't care so much about how others felt and cared a little more about myself. I deserve better.
March 6, 2017
Disappointed but not surprised
I’m afraid to go to sleep because I’m afraid I’ll wake up to disappointment. I feel it coming but yet it scares me. Despite the expectation, the thought of it realising is absolutely terrifying. I try to imagine my emotions when it happens. I honestly don’t know how I will react. Will I be so broken that I’ve got to put my day on hold and just curl up in bed with tears running down my face? Or will I just go through my day like nothing happened? That anticipation to have the load lifted but yet refusing to face the disappointment is killing. One can’t be without the other. Your silence is the answer, and although it pains me to think about what the both of you are doing and your happy faces, it’s the only way for me to let you go. Sometimes I wish that this would all be a dream and I’d wake up as if nothing has ever happened. I’ll try to understand why you chose her over me since I wasn’t meant to be there in the first place. Maybe I thought I meant more to you because you were more than just you to me.
August 9, 2016
It's been awhile, not because I've stopped contemplating about life but just didn't have much to say. Honestly, if I were to read through the previous posts, they're all about the same shit. No matter what I do or what phase of life I'm at, it's always at the back of my mind, nagging at me. Trust me, I've tried to occupy myself hoping that it would just go away... but nope. It's like an itch - temporarily goes away when you scratch it but comes back a lot itchier. And so we're back on my most dreaded thought: relationships.
I'd like to think that I've made peace with the fact that I'm single and probably will be forever. Presently, I'm not too fussed about finding someone because there's legit no potential ones in my life. NONE. NON-EXISTENT. I believe I'm at this prime age where my peers who've been in relationships for years are getting engaged or almost getting engaged, and then there's me... It's definitely difficult to not feel left out. lol Especially in this age, people practically showcase their 'entire' life on social media. My entire Instagram and Facebook feed is filled with couple photos. Not in the least bit exaggerating. There are times when I think I'm at a really good place in my life and then I go onto one of these social media sites and see all these happy couples, then I feel semi-depressed that I'm all alone. As much as I do not wish to feel this way, I can't help myself. It's obviously not that hard to find someone but for some reason it is for me, which is why I'm beginning to think that maybe I am the problem. Maybe it's the way I carry myself or my personality? I do admit that I find it difficult to overlook the flaws of others, which is probably the cause of it all. I'm working on it.
On the bright side, the older I am, the less fucks I give. I'm so over playing mind games with people, that's just fucked up. That whole 'play hard to get' thing is not at all attractive, it's immature and just ridiculous. Also, I'm all for girls to make the first move. This is the 21st century, don't sit around and wait for the guy you like to approach you. If you like someone, do something to let them know. If you meet a guy you like, be brave enough to ask for his number, strike a conversation. I think guys appreciate a pro-active girl, at least it takes the pressure of them. Life ain't no disney movie, no prince charming is going to magically appear at your doorstep.
I'd like to think that I've made peace with the fact that I'm single and probably will be forever. Presently, I'm not too fussed about finding someone because there's legit no potential ones in my life. NONE. NON-EXISTENT. I believe I'm at this prime age where my peers who've been in relationships for years are getting engaged or almost getting engaged, and then there's me... It's definitely difficult to not feel left out. lol Especially in this age, people practically showcase their 'entire' life on social media. My entire Instagram and Facebook feed is filled with couple photos. Not in the least bit exaggerating. There are times when I think I'm at a really good place in my life and then I go onto one of these social media sites and see all these happy couples, then I feel semi-depressed that I'm all alone. As much as I do not wish to feel this way, I can't help myself. It's obviously not that hard to find someone but for some reason it is for me, which is why I'm beginning to think that maybe I am the problem. Maybe it's the way I carry myself or my personality? I do admit that I find it difficult to overlook the flaws of others, which is probably the cause of it all. I'm working on it.
On the bright side, the older I am, the less fucks I give. I'm so over playing mind games with people, that's just fucked up. That whole 'play hard to get' thing is not at all attractive, it's immature and just ridiculous. Also, I'm all for girls to make the first move. This is the 21st century, don't sit around and wait for the guy you like to approach you. If you like someone, do something to let them know. If you meet a guy you like, be brave enough to ask for his number, strike a conversation. I think guys appreciate a pro-active girl, at least it takes the pressure of them. Life ain't no disney movie, no prince charming is going to magically appear at your doorstep.
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