Disappointed but not surprised

I’m afraid to go to sleep because I’m afraid I’ll wake up to disappointment. I feel it coming but yet it scares me. Despite the expectation, the thought of it realising is absolutely terrifying. I try to imagine my emotions when it happens. I honestly don’t know how I will react. Will I be so broken that I’ve got to put my day on hold and just curl up in bed with tears running down my face? Or will I just go through my day like nothing happened? That anticipation to have the load lifted but yet refusing to face the disappointment is killing. One can’t be without the other. Your silence is the answer, and although it pains me to think about what the both of you are doing and your happy faces, it’s the only way for me to let you go. Sometimes I wish that this would all be a dream and I’d wake up as if nothing has ever happened. I’ll try to understand why you chose her over me since I wasn’t meant to be there in the first place. Maybe I thought I meant more to you because you were more than just you to me.