Loving someone with anxiety is...

Loving someone with anxiety is more difficult than it seems. Never knowing what will trigger his anxiety makes it so much harder to help him. I understand that anxiety is not easy to comprehend. Half of the time, he himself doesn’t even know what causes it, so how is he supposed to verbalise it so that I can better understand what he’s going through. It’s okay if he can’t verbalise it and maybe sometimes just quietly being there beside him is all he really needs. It pains me to look at him and see such sadness in his eyes although he tries hard to be happy around me; to know that he’s curled up in bed with tears running down his face and he still can’t seem to rid the demons in his head. I feel his pain even if he doesn’t speak about it but yet I can’t do anything to make him feel better. I’m there physically but I feel helpless and useless and I hate myself for not being able to provide better support or comfort.

Loving someone with anxiety is more than just the person suffering from it. It affects every one that cares and loves them. There are numerous factors that might catalyse one’s anxiety and it’s important to not take things personally. When the anxiety strikes, it usually means that whatever plans we both had previously are no longer happening. I’m not given a preempt and I’ve been looking forward to it the entire week and it gets called off. My first initial thought is to be annoyed and tell him to stop being such a flake but then he tells me that he’s in one of those moods and my heart softens a little. I know my disappointment is nothing compared to his anxiety. When this happens he might or might not want me around. I’m more than happy to sit quietly and hold him just to let him know that I’m there for him, but there are days when he wants his alone time. Moments like this means he goes quiet, not even a text to let me know how he is and I can’t help but feel that he’s pushing me away and it hurts. It hurts more than anything else. How can I sit on my own knowing that he’s having to face it all on his own? It’s time like this that I try to put myself in his shoes and try not to take it personally. However, I must admit that there are days when I think that maybe I’m the cause for it all and that he’d be better off without me. He constantly assures me that it’s not me but some days I think that he’s blinded and doesn’t want to face the truth cause I’m all that he’s got now so he clings on to his only glimpse of ‘hope’.

Loving someone with anxiety is not easy but I stick around and do it anyway because he means the world to me. Abandoning him when he’s at his lowest is a cruel thing to do, impossible for me to do. I’ve always believed that people cross paths and enters each other’s life for a reason. Whether they stay forever or just temporarily, they’re there for a reason. Some for better and some for worse, but they help us grow and become better people. I believe that our paths were meant to cross and I was put in his life for a reason. And that could be to support and help him through this rough patch. Whether I’m here temporarily or forever, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is this moment. All that matters is me being there for him when he needs me because I love him.